Courtney's Contemplations . . .

We are rapidly approaching the end of track season. I’ll just go ahead and take a moment right off the top and brag on my son, he has had a great season and took 4th in the 800 m run last week at Regionals to advance to the State Meet this weekend. So yeah, I’m pretty proud of him. He’s put in a lot of hard work, and it’s been amazing to watch him grow and improve this season.

All bragging aside . . . we’ve clocked quite a few hours at track meets this spring, and because my son runs the 800 m and the 400 m (and the 200 m earlier in the season), there’s a lot of waiting between races. So, we spend most of that time watching races where we know not a single runner because what else are you going to do while you wait?

A couple meets back, we were waiting for Andrew’s heat in the 800 m, and therefore watching all the other boys run. Here’s the thing about the 800. It’s kind of torturous. It takes a mixture of both speed and endurance with a whole heck of a lot of heart and guts, and maybe, a pinch of insanity to want to run that race. And sometimes, kids underestimate how hard it’s going to be . . . especially in the moment. They take off too fast, they don’t pace properly, and they find themselves running out of steam somewhere during the second lap. But if there’s anything to love about track (there are actually a whole lot of things to love about track), it’s the way the kids encourage one another. Teammates, running mates, new acquaintances . . . they’re competing against one another while at the same time cheering each other on.

So we’re watching the first few heats of the race, and it’s the second lap of the 800 . . . last 200(ish) meters . . . this poor kid is fading fast. Running on fumes would be an exaggeration . . . but along comes his friend and teammate . . . running alongside him on the infield . . . yelling at him to keep going, not to slow down. Then his friend says what may have been the best thing I’ve heard all season, “Just don’t be last!!!” Y’all, I laugh every time I think about it . . . “Just don’t be last!!!”.

There’s no great inspirational message here. In true teenage boy fashion, it was a perfect recipe of brutal honesty and complete insensitivity. But you know what? I love it. That kid didn’t need to hear a “You can do it!” or a “You’re doing great!” What he needed was his friend yelling at him not to be last. To push him to push harder. He needed that brutal honesty in that moment, and he finished that race with everything he had in him. Not to mention, he wasn’t last.

So, ladies and gentlemen there you have it. My new life motto brought to you by a teenage track runner . . . because sometimes we need all the flowery inspirational quotes and messages, and sometimes we just need the brutal honesty that keeps us in forward motion. Just don’t be last!

There’s a scripture in the book of Song of Solomon that says,

“Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.” Song of Solomon 2:15

Just a brief sidenote regarding the book of Song of Solomon: There are a couple ways one can interpret Song of Solomon. First, literally, it is a book about the deep and intimate relationship between a husband and a wife, about the many facets of the romantic love shared between a man and his wife. In the interest of full disclosure, it is not for children’s bible story reading. It is beautiful and tasteful but also very sensuous in parts. It is a blessing to our marriages that God gave us this book, but y’all don’t pull this one out with your young children unless you want to answer some hard questions. Second, allegorically, it is seen as representative of the love of God for His children. I actually believe both interpretations are correct to some extent. I believe very much it was written to be taken a face value, a literal and beautiful testament to what God intended marriage between a man and a woman to be, but I think it also has, at least in part, a deeper meaning as an illustration of how much God loves and pursues His children.

Which brings me back around to Song of Solomon 2:15. I was cooking supper last night and thinking about compromise. I’m going to be real honest here, and I’m sure it’s going to ruffle some feathers. Won’t be the first time or the last. So before I go any further I’d like to point you back to what I wrote, almost three years ago, entitled Uncompromising Beliefs . . . nothing has changed. These beliefs still hold true, but because I push back against certain people, I’ve been accused of not holding these beliefs or of supporting the “other side”, if you will. That is categorically not true, and not supporting a certain person does not automatically mean one supports the other side. Choosing to not endorse or accept a certain person does not mean I suddenly don’t hold to the truths of the bible. Back to last night . . . I was thinking about compromise, in particular because I want to be totally transparent here, compromise within the political arena (although, this is applicable in pretty much every area of our lives and our culture). How, so often, when faced with two major candidates for an office, we’ll look at them and say something to the effect of, “Well I’m certainly not voting for ______ so instead I have to vote for _______ because he/she is the lesser of two evils.” And I wondered how did we get to this point? How did we get to the point of not only picking but endorsing, sometimes wholeheartedly, the lesser of two evils?

And in my mind I heard these words, “Beware of the little foxes . . .” . In Song of Solomon the author is referring to the little things that sneak into our marriages. The “little” irritations, flirtations, compromises that will poison the vine, and eventually, those “little” things will lead to bigger things that will destroy a marriage. But the broader implications of this verse are not lost on me. Because the truth of this is applicable to almost every area of life.

How did we get here?

One small compromise at a time.

One excuse followed by another followed by another . . .

Measuring the sins of one against the sins of another instead of looking at all of our sins against the Word of God and saying, emphatically, none of it is okay.

Refusal to stand up against wrong within our own ranks (speaking as a conservative Christian) because it makes others really angry.

“I have no choice . . .”

“If I don’t accept ______ then I’m choosing ______.”

Seeing only two choices in front of us and feeling as if we must pick between those two choices and only those two choices.

I am just as guilty as anyone. I’ve justified, glorified, made excuses with the best of them. But I’m slowly beginning to realize that refusal to stand up in the short term, continually conceding and never speaking out, because I really don’t like being hated, has only led to allowing in those little foxes, those tiny compromises, that poison the vine and lead to larger overall destruction.

It didn’t start with me or honestly, anyone reading this. It’s been a slow fade in the moral fiber of our nation for decades, not only in politics, but in all areas of life. We see it in allowing progressive theology into our churches. We’ve become so accustomed to it that we often don’t even realize when we’re pedaling progressive or new age ideologies in our lessons and teachings. We’ve held men up above the actual Word of God. We’ve failed to go back to the Bible and stand fast on what it says.

As I was pondering all of this, I couldn’t help but think we suffer in the short term or we suffer in the long term. We suffer for standing up and refusing to compromise now, or our children will suffer for our comprises in the future.

Here’s what I’ll say, I’ve already said it, my beliefs haven’t changed. If you’re going to label me, it’s still going to be the label “highly conservative, Christian”. That hasn’t changed because I still believe the bible is the final authority. However, I also refuse to look within my own self and community and not recognize where we get it wrong. Where we aren’t standing on God’s Word. Where we are choosing to compromise because I think it goes back to the plank in the eye in Matthew 7. Sin is sin, and I can’t look at the sin of another and say, “Well mine’s not so bad so . . .”. No, as a follower of Christ, I need to deal with my sin first. Not excuse it. Deal with it. There’s a meme floating around that says something like, “If Paul was alive right now the church in America would be getting some letters.” It makes me laugh because it’s true. But the reality is, we already have a treasure trove of letters. Paul’s letters are just as applicable to us in America, today, as they were to the early church 2000(ish) years ago.

I highly value my rights as a citizen of this great nation, but I hold fast to the belief that God is the God of, not only our nation, but our world, our universe, and beyond. I love our nation, but I love God more. The bible does not say “For God so loved the United States of America” it says “For God so love the world” (John 3:16). I have a responsibility to spread the truth of God’s word both within our nation’s borders and throughout the world. The truth is the answers aren’t always clear here on this earth, but I’ll tell you this, it’s not just as simple as picking the lesser of two evils or the person or policies that will make my own personal life easier or more comfortable. It’s about standing up for the truth of God’s Word in every arena, even when it’s going to make others, including those in our own circles, angry . . . even if and when it means we’re going to suffer for what’s right. There is darkness, but there is also light. So rather than telling you what I don’t support and believe, I’ll tell you what and Who I do, and you can take it from there.

I’ll wrap it up with this verse which has become a prayer for me. I pray this for my own heart and mind, that I will not walk around naive and blindly trusting because it’s easier, but that God will show me truth in every situation. That I will have the courage and boldness to stand for that truth when it is revealed. But I also pray this on a much larger scale, for my friends and family, for our local communities, our nation, and our world. That just because someone has a platform or sounds “smart” does not mean that we automatically take what they are saying at face value, but that we take the time to really lean in to what is true, right, and holy. That followers of Christ will see where we are deceived and misled and be willing to stand on the truth even if it means suffering.

“For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light.” Luke 8:17

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, because I feel like I’m forever saying this, we have been insanely busy. I mean stupid busy. It’s a mix track season, spring break, Easter, school activities and fundraisers, remodeling a house, doctor’s appointments, normal day to day life (church, home, school, etc.) . . . it’s just all the things, but by Sunday night I was done. I went to bed before 9:00 which I never do, and I feel asleep within minutes which I really never do.

So you would think, come Monday morning, I would be well rested, and I thought I was. Unfortunately, I don’t think my brain has caught up with my body in the rest department. Yesterday, I cleaned house, did some laundry, and with a few extra minutes I had on hand, put in for a grocery pick up . . . for this morning, Tuesday, April 18th the year of our Lord 2023, at 7:30 a.m. . . . imagine my confusion when I went to add something to my order yesterday evening only to see that my order had been closed, and I couldn’t add anything. Did it occur to me to check why I couldn’t add anything? No. I just assumed that the website was messing up and continued on doing all my Monday things . . . until about 6:30 p.m. when I got a text telling me my order would be ready for pick up at 7:30 . . . last night . . . at bedtime for my youngest . . . way to go, Courtney . . . maybe next time actually read before clicking the button to finalize the order.

Not to be deterred by having to load my child up at what is normally her bedtime and haul her with me to get groceries, I just went with it. We got the groceries, unloaded the groceries, and managed to still get everyone in bed at a reasonable hour. No harm. No foul.

Today, Tuesday, started off easy enough. I mean I already had all the groceries in my house so that left me time to get some (more) laundry done, squeeze in an early morning workout, and shower and get dressed to head out to run some errands before the afternoon pick ups. I went to UPS to drop off an Amazon return . . . I’m sure they wonder exactly how many packages one can order and return to Amazon in such a short amount of time. I’m working on showing them it is, in fact, a very large number. Then I had to run in our local Walmart real quick like. In the interest of full disclosure, I don’t love Walmart, but alas, we have no Target in our town so Walmart it is. Did my Walmart run. Maybe got a couple strange looks, but it’s Walmart so who knows . . . from there I went to get in the pick-up line at my daughter’s school. If you don’t get there insanely early, you will be ridiculously far back when school dismisses. It’s a wait now or wait later kind of deal. So while I was waiting, I looked down and realized my shirt was on backwards, and I am not wearing a shirt that is the same in the front and the back. It was obviously on backwards. Which would explain the stares in the Walmart . . . but it is Walmart, after all, and most people don’t even get dressed to go in there, so whatever.

For a split second, I thought about trying to turn my shirt around right then and there, but thankfully, the few brain cells that were awake kicked in because had I tried to turn that shirt around, there is a 100% chance that the school resource officer standing just five feet away from my car would’ve had to arrest me for indecent exposure. Wouldn’t that have been cute? Needless to say, I’m tired, but my brain is obviously tired-er (not a real word). Here’s to caffeine, and maybe, hopefully, life slowing down just a bit here soon . . . but probably not because kids.

You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away. You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

Matthew 5:38-48

Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Therefore

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”

Romans 12:17-20

I was thinking about these passages last night. The first, from Matthew, was straight of the mouth of Jesus. The second, was written by Paul to the Romans. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, they’re not my favorite passages of scripture. They go against everything in my nature, which is obviously the point. To say I always follow them would be a blatant lie. I don’t. I struggle to pray for those who hurt me. I struggle not to set them straight. I struggle to not have the last word and win every argument. I struggle hugely. But that doesn’t mean I’m right in seeking to avenge myself. According to these passages, I’m totally and completely going against what God’s word instructs me to do.

Here’s the thing, I don’t think God typically wants us to wade headfirst into horrific, abusive situations. I believe He gives us wisdom and discernment. I do believe, in a lot of instances, boundaries are biblical, and I think we need to do what we can to give ourselves the space to be safe. But the reality of this world is, at some point, we will find ourselves in a situation where we are being persecuted, sometimes without provocation, other times because we set ourselves up for it with our choices and behaviors. Regardless of why, how we respond, as followers of Christ, matters. Just a few verses earlier, in Matthew 5:13-16 Jesus says, “You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”

We live in a culture, even within the church, that wants to throw down. We want to set everyone else straight. We want revenge. And no one is going to stop us. Confession: I have been guilty of wanting to see people taken down a notch (or two). I have been guilty of wanting to exact revenge of those who’ve hurt me or my loved ones. I’ve wanted to be both judge and jury and to be the one to dole out consequences and punishment. There are people in this world I do not want to like much less love. Not my proudest and finest moments, but I’m not about to sit here and tell anyone that I’m getting it all right all the time. Or even a little bit of the time. Human nature, sin nature, is a beast, and even as followers of Christ, we sometimes have to wrestle with the desire to sin. We hide it behind righteous indignation, but the reality is we’re not walking in the Spirit.

But Jesus.

Jesus never commanded us to get revenge. He commanded us to love those who “spitefully” use us. Ouch! Oh, I want to argue with God on this one. I mean I really want to justify my bad behavior. But here’s the other thing. Often times, I can only see the fault of the other person. I cannot see my own fault in the situation, and it’s only through seeking Him, that the full truth is revealed in my heart. One of the most oft quoted scriptures in the Bible is “Judge not lest you be judged”. The problem with that is there’s a whole lot more to that passage. Also, from Matthew. Also, straight from the mouth of our Savior.

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:1-5

We judge sin, not by our own standards, but by the standards set by the Word of God. However, so often, when we are ready to jump in and judge those around us, we really need to stop and look at ourselves. We all have major blind spots. We all fail to see our own sin in light of the sin of others. And as Jesus said (obviously I’m paraphrasing here), we often have a 2×4 in our own eye, while we’re trying to call out the tiny splinter in the eye of another.

We’re coming to the end of Easter week. We’re a full week out from Good Friday and almost a week out from Resurrection Sunday; it’s funny, how leading up to Easter we spend a lot of time in reflection, but once Easter Sunday has passed, we go back to business as usual. As of late, I’ve been really convicted about my attitude toward others. It’s easy to slip into being critical, angry, and judgmental, and pride is a sin we often cover up with how “spiritual” we are. I’ve been thinking about Jesus on the cross. In Luke 23:34 it tells us Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” He wasn’t just talking about the Jews that had yelled “crucify Him” or the soldiers that drove the nails through His hands, He was talking about me. I am not without sin. I am so thankful that instead of making sure I suffered for my sins, He chose forgiveness. He chose mercy. He chose grace. I am so thankful He loves me in spite of how unrighteous I am in my own right.

I think it’s time to talk less and pray more. To stop trying to win and let God handle things. To walk in mercy and grace. To remember that everything I do and say matters. That my witness matters. To use my words and my mouth to bring healing rather than hurt. To ask Jesus to help me to love and see others as He sees them. We live in such a broken and hurting world, where broken and hurting people don’t know how to do anything other than hurt those around them, but we have a Savior who brings healing. Let’s let Him heal us.

Today is “Good” Friday. Unmatched by any other day in its deep pain and tragedy. Yet, also, so very good because of the immense sacrifice made by our Savior, for us, on this day.

I was reading Luke 23 this morning and thinking about where I would have been had I been there. Would I have been following Jesus and weeping? Would I have been shouting, “Crucify Him!”?

I think we’d all like to believe we’d be following Jesus, weeping at what was happening to Him, heartbroken at the tragedy playing out before our eyes. I think we’d like to believe we’d never betray him like Judas, deny him like Peter, or trade his life for Barabbas’s. The truth is, I’m just not sure. When I look at the church today, I think most of us think we’re pretty good Christians in our own right. I think we often take pride in how good we are doing, how much faith we muster up, how righteously we’re living. But as Isaiah 64:6 reminds us, our righteousness, on its own, without the saving power of Christ, is nothing more than “filthy rags”. Had I been alive in Jesus’s day, I’d probably have thought I was doing pretty well. I’m not sure what I would’ve thought of this Jesus man when he came on the scene. He was revolutionary. He chased after the misfits and the broken . . . those no one else wanted . . . He welcomed them . . . He healed them, not just physically but from the inside out. He loved the unlovable, and He chastised those who thought they had it all together. He got down in the dirt with the condemned, but he didn’t leave them there. He called sin out for what it was. He forgave big. He loved big. He wasn’t just a good man who changed the world. He was God in the flesh, and His sacrifice for our sin, for my sin, changed all of eternity. And I am so thankful for that. So thankful that, He doesn’t care what I would’ve done on that day. He doesn’t see me as imperfect or prideful, messed up or broken. He sees me as whole, forgiven, and healed because of what He did on that cross over 2000 years ago.

Today the sun was darkened. Today the veil was torn. Today the earth quaked and the rocks split. Today was the day that made it possible for me, for you, for anyone who so desires, to be forever reconciled with our Heavenly Father. To walk, not in condemnation for our sins, but in forgiveness and wholeness for all eternity.

And today, if you do not know Him as your Savior, I encourage you to cry out to Jesus. It’s so simple, yet we often complicate it so much. You don’t have to have perfect eloquent words, you just have to ask Him . . . ask Him to save you, forgive you, transform you . . . He already loves you deeply. He already made the sacrifice. All you have to do is accept.

That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.” For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. For “whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved. Romans 10:9-13

I have awesome kids. I love them. I’m proud of them. I think they’re fun and cool and obviously, two of my favorite people on this planet. They are amazing people, in their own right, and because of that, I firmly believe they will do amazing things here on this earth. BUT what I do not believe, for even second, is that they are perfect. I do not think, even a little bit, that they are incapable of doing wrong, of treating others badly, of making poor, and sometimes stupid, decisions . . .

Before anyone comes at me, it’s not because I’m a “mean mom”. It’s not because I’m trying to throw my kids under the bus or make them look bad. It’s because, very simply, there’s not a single one of us, that is incapable of doing wrong. There’s not a single one of us that gets it right all the time. There’s not a single one of us that is without sin (Romans 3:23) – which is why we so desperately need our Savior.

I have a 10-year-old and a 15-year-old and raising them is a constant and very humbling learning experience. I’m far from an expert, and just when I think I’ve figured it out, everything changes. As they grow and grow up, I’m having to constantly stop and re-evaluate why and how we are doing what we are doing. Our oldest is right at six months from turning 16. He’s no longer a child. He’s definitely not an adult either, but he’s moving into young adulthood. I’ve said it in this space before, and I’ll say it again, that means a lot more freedom, a lot less of mom and dad stepping in and making decisions, and a whole lot more responsibility. It also means that when the right choices are or are not made, the consequences tend to be much bigger, for better or for worse, and we will not play the rescue game no matter how badly we want to . . . no matter how sad it makes us or how much we hurt. Because in the end, I’d rather both of my kids learn the hard lessons now, while they’re still under our roof, than when they’re out in a world that is far less forgiving.

Here’s the thing, my kids know this. They’ll be the first to tell you, we love them fiercely, and we don’t cut them much slack. But we also, try to operate from a place of grace and mercy. Yes, we hold them to appropriately high standards . . . they are two very different people with very different strengths and challenges, so the standards and expectations don’t look identical for each of them . . . but we do not expect perfection. We do expect them to put forth their best, to do all they do with excellence, and when they mess up, to apologize, seek forgiveness, and move forward.

For those that don’t know, my son attends a private, Christian school. There are those that don’t understand why we chose this route for him and trying to explain is often met with a certain amount of disgruntled-ness from others. Most people assume, erroneously, that we totally hate public schools and public education. My daughter attends our local public school. Due to her special needs, it is currently the best place for her. The school she attends has some of the most outstanding faculty, teachers, therapists, admin, custodians, cafeteria staff . . . the list goes on . . . I have ever seen, and she has experienced tremendous growth while in her school. Further, as someone who taught public school for ten years, I believe in the mission and importance of the public school system. Having said all that, we chose a Christian school for our oldest because we value the lessons, both academic and otherwise, that are taught from a biblical worldview. That’s what we wanted (and want) for both of our children . . . to be taught and learn from a biblical perspective.

A couple weeks ago, I had the time to pop in for the weekly chapel service at my son’s school. It’s not often I’m able to do that, but I never regret it when I take a couple hours out of my Wednesday morning to stop in. As I sat there amongst, the 200 hundred or so kids, from Pre-K through 12th grade, and watched them worship Jesus, I couldn’t help but think, “This is why we do what we do. This is why I love this school. This is why he is here.”

Do academics matter? Absolutely. In three years, my oldest will be preparing to graduate high school and head to college. It will not be the pinnacle of his life (at least I hope not), but just the start of what should be a grand adventure. And I believe, we believe, that a strong academic foundation is hugely important as he heads into higher education. What about athletics/sports? What about all the extras? Do I care if he has all the opportunities that could possibly be afforded to him? Yes and no. I, of course, want to give my child all the opportunities to grow and develop, and I truly believe our little school does a fabulous job of making sure the students are given every opportunity to become well rounded individuals of great character. BUT . . . there’s that word again . . . nothing is as important as his spiritual development. That academic foundation, the sports and all the other activities, matter very little if my child doesn’t learn to love and live for Jesus.

This is where it gets all wrapped up in my parenting . . . actually, in our parenting . . . I’m so thankful I have a spouse who is my partner in this. We, my husband and I, don’t think it’s the school’s or the church’s or anyone else’s job to spiritually raise our children. It’s our job. Period. What the school and church and placing them around individuals who love and walk with Jesus, who hold them responsible, does, is to help reinforce what we are trying to teach at home. It’s backup, if you will, for what we’re trying to instill in them each and every day, and as I’ve learned, our kids will often listen to others when they won’t listen to us. That’s just a reality of raising teenagers, in particular. Ultimately, it’s up to them to make the choice to walk with Jesus. Because that is not something we can do for them, and no amount of coercing or control is going to save them.

All that to say, I’ve been thinking a lot about what matters as a parent and especially, as a mom and the, admittedly, less “chill” parent in the equation. What doesn’t matter? What I should do and not do? When I should step in and when I should pull back? This is where I have landed (if these seem random, it’s because they are):

1. My kids aren’t perfect . . . as I’ve already said . . . and when they do something wrong, we must hold them accountable. Even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts.
2. The older they get the tamer the mama bear becomes. I spend a lot more time praying and a lot less time stepping in. They have to learn to, respectfully, speak up for themselves and others (and yes, I fully believe that there is a time to step in . . . I said “tamer” not “totally tame”).
3. I generally don’t do for my kids what they can do for themselves. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I never help them or do anything for them. I cook, clean, and do laundry on repeat, but they also need to learn to do basic life things, on their own, without me swooping in.
4. Integrity matters . . . serving Jesus matters . . . yes, I want them to grow up and be successful people, but if they do it without Jesus, then they’re doing it all for the wrong reasons. We’re not just raising good people. We’re raising God people.
5. As I stated earlier, they have to choose to walk the walk. They have to choose to serve Jesus. That’s not a choice I can make for them, but you’d best believe, I’ll do everything I can to point them in that direction.
6. They are not my besties . . . hugely unpopular opinion, I know . . . but they don’t need that from me. As they grow older, and the relationship between parent and child evolves, the balance does change. I do far less telling and a whole lot more guiding with my oldest at this point, but at the end of the day, I’m still mom, my husband is still dad, and my kids don’t need to fulfill the role of best friend for me. Besides, that’s my husband’s job, and if you don’t have a spouse (or yours isn’t fulfilling that role) then find another healthy, Godly, adult to build that relationship with. I believe, that when we shift into the role of best friend with our children before they’re mature enough to really be in that role (read: independent of us), we risk having major blind spots, especially to their mistakes and poor choices, when they need us to see clearly.
7. I cannot do this without the Holy Spirit. I’m imperfect. They’re imperfect. It’s a recipe for disaster without the One who is perfect. So I try my best to daily submit to the leading of the Holy Spirit, and believe me, on the days when I fail to do that, we crash and burn real fast.

Dr. Ken Wilgus, Feeding the Mouth That Bites You (check out the book and the podcast), has rapidly become my favorite Christian Psychologist. He pushes back hard against so many things we think are normal and healthy in parenting, not only within the culture but within the church, and he has challenged me time and again to step back and let my kids grow up. One thing he says (I’m paraphrasing a bit) is basically, “We need to parent ourselves right out of a job”. That’s not wildly popular in a culture that says, “You never stop being a parent or a mom . . . ” but popular or not, I believe it’s biblical. It’s not that we stop being a parent, but there is a massive difference between being a parent and parenting an adult. I believe God intended for us (if we are physically, emotionally, and mentally capable), to grow up and become independent of our parents. That doesn’t mean we don’t have a relationship. It actually is the opposite. That relationship changes and shifts from obedience to honor. Independent, key word being “independent”, adults are not called to obedience of their parents (that’s an entirely different topic). There should be a shift from guidance to, yes, friendship, and that is a huge blessing. But, there’s a time and a place for that, and it can only happen when and if we do the work up front to build that healthy foundation that leads to Godly independence in our children.

*As always, here’s my caveat: Special needs parenting is a whole different world. My goal with a child with special needs is to raise them to be as independent as possible for them. As far as loving Jesus, well I think for some special needs children, it comes far more naturally than it does for many of us, and we’d do well to look to them as an example.

I sat in a meeting at my son’s school last night. A small private Christian school, not drastically different than the Christian school where three children and three adults were brutally murdered yesterday in Nashville. It’s a school I love. A family of parents and teachers . . . of pastors and students . . . a school where lives are changed and leaders are made. And as I reflected on all it means to me, my heart broke, once again, for the community of Covenant School, for the families, the teachers, the children whose lives are forever altered by what took place yesterday.

I pick up my daughter every day from a neighborhood elementary school. A school much like the one right down the road in Uvalde, TX where almost a year ago, 21 lives were stolen and cut short, and countless others shattered. And much like the school in Uvalde, our school full of amazing teachers and staff that I value greatly . . . of so many precious kiddos I’ve grown to love . . . and I cannot even fathom wanting to bring them harm.

These acts of pure evil are incomprehensible. Like so many, I cannot begin to understand how a heart could be so dark or a mind so twisted that a person could do something so horrific. It’s in these moments that I have to resist. I have to resist the compulsion to circle the wagons and try to protect my children from every possible evil they can or will ever encounter. No matter how hard I try, I cannot do that. I have to resist the urge to forget that I am not in control, and while I do believe that God gives us wisdom and common sense, and we need to take steps to protect our children in the most practical sense, I also have to remember that we both live in a fallen and broken world and despite all of our best human efforts, sin exists and horrific things happen. BUT I also have to remember that we serve a very real, living God. I have to resist the temptation to believe the darkness is taking over. I have to recall and remember the words from book of John chapter 1 verse 5:

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

My job is not to shield my children from the darkness, but to teach them to shine through it. No matter how dark things may seem on this earth, we serve a risen Savior who is the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. This life and this are earth only temporary. In the midst of the darkness, we are called to be light. In the midst of distress and confusion, we are called to point others towards the answer, Jesus Christ. When I say “Jesus is the answer”, it’s not a canned Christian response, some flippant answer. I truly and sincerely believe that Jesus is the only answer to all the brokenness, hurting, and evil in this world. He is the solution to the problem both in the present and for eternity.

I will continue to pray. I will continue to be the light. I will continue to turn back to Jesus, to put my faith and trust in Him, time and again. Tonight, as we, both as a nation and as individuals, mourn with the families and friends of those needlessly and tragically lost in Nashville . . . as we continue to stand and grieve with those who have lost loved ones in so many other tragedies, I’ll leave you with the words from one of my favorite songs.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My comforter, my all in all
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground, His body lay
Light of the world, by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave, He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No pow’r of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

Songwriters Keith Getty (music), Stuart Townend (lyrics) COPYRIGHT © 2002 WORDS AND MUSIC BY KEITH GETTY & STUART TOWNEND COPYRIGHT © 2002 THANKYOU MUSIC(PRS) ADM WORLDWIDE AT CAPITOLCMGPUBLISHING.COM

I have a request . . . can we stop normalizing “mom guilt”? Can we stop acting like it’s cute and funny and in no way a passive aggressive way of making moms, who are already stretched thin and doing their best, feel badly about their skills as a mother? Can we start normalizing normal? Not having it all together? Not doing it all perfectly?

Last week, during spring break, we were gone Tuesday through Saturday. We went to California to Disneyland. We got back Saturday afternoon and hit the ground running. Five loads of laundry . . . church on Sunday . . . bathrooms to be cleaned . . . one back to school and starting track practice on Monday . . . the other back to school on Tuesday . . . doctor’s appointments . . . a track meet this coming weekend . . . and in the midst of all of it, my youngest had her tenth birthday. Because we spent most of spring break at Disney and because life is so crazy right now, we told her that the trip to Disneyland was essentially her birthday “party”. I still did a birthday meal. I still made a cake and bought balloons. She still had gifts and donuts on her birthday, and I, of course, took cupcakes to school to share with her friends. She was fine with it. I. Still. Felt. Guilty. Disney is literally the biggest party on earth. She was not deprived. And yet, there I was, at 2:00 a.m., on more than one night, laying in bed feeling guilty about not having a big birthday party . . . I don’t even know when I would’ve done it . . . as if not doing that would permanently scar her for life. Guess what? It didn’t. It won’t.

I’ve felt guilt when we had to divide and conquer school events. Guilt when I didn’t cook a healthy meal every night of the week. Guilt when I had to miss an event (and I try my utmost not to miss my kids’ programs and sports events). Guilt when I said “no” to one more person and one more thing on the calendar. Guilt when I don’t do for my kids what they absolutely can do for themselves (even though I know it’s an important and integral part of raising independent adults . . . I’m not their maid or their servant). And y’all know what? It’s ridiculous. It needs to stop.

You know what else? I’ve realized the guilt has zero, absolutely nothing, to do with my children and my relationship with them. It has to do with the pressure from the outside, sometimes by individuals and other times just by a society that is never satisfied, to do it all . . . to be everything . . . to meet the expectations of others . . . to reach a bar set so high it’s not truly attainable by anyone. It has to do more with appearances and being perceived as a “good” mom than actually being a good mom.

We need to stop comparing. We need to stop pressuring ourselves and others. We need to back off the sideways, passive aggressive suggestions and comments and give others (and ourselves) lots of grace. And I’m the first one to crack a joke at my own expense. Believe it or not, I do have a sense of humor, but I think that we’re at a point where the memes and self-deprecating jokes regarding our motherhood are no longer funny, but are instead, a thinly veiled attempt to make ourselves not feel so badly about something we shouldn’t feel badly about in the first place.

We need to champion and cheer on one another. We need to encourage rather than tear down. We need to accept that not a one of us is perfect no matter how our lives may appear on Instagram. And for the love of all that’s good and holy, we need to stop accepting mom guilt as normal and healthy. As if walking through life feeling like we’re never quite measuring up as a parent is okay. Because you know what makes a “good” mom (or dad)? It’s a mom whose kids know they’re loved regardless of the size of their parties, the cost of their clothes, or the busy-ness of their schedule. It’s a mom who is willing to mess up and apologize and ask for forgiveness and keep on truckin’. It’s a mom who is willing to say “no” for health of herself and her family and not feel like she has to please everyone else. It’s a mom who is more concerned with the people her children are becoming on the inside rather than how things appear outwardly. It’s a mom who holds her kids accountable, that doesn’t give them everything they want, and makes them do the hard things. It’s a mom who loves and prioritizes Jesus first, her husband (if she’s married . . . if not just cross this one out) second, and her kids third. It’s a mom that knows that everything else will work out if these priorities are right.

So that’s it. I refuse to feel guilty over stupid stuff. I refuse to try to please everyone in some sort of pitiful attempt to not feel guilt that is totally uncalled for and unnecessary. I will say “no” when appropriate. I will celebrate and love my kids well daily. I will mess up. I will apologize. I will not pass judgment on other moms. I will encourage and cheer you on. Because we’re all doing our best, and with the help of Jesus and the Holy Spirit, our best is more than enough.

THE END

There’s an oft repeated quote that says, “Strong women, may we know them, may we raise them, may we be them,” author unknown. I understand the sentiment. To an extent, I even agree. But on this International Women’s Day, here’s what I would like to add . . .

I don’t want to just raise a strong woman. I don’t want to just be a strong woman. I want to raise a Godly woman. I want to be a Godly woman. To live a life that first and foremost serves and brings glory to my Savior. I want to remember every single day that it is in my weakness His power is made perfect, and I am not required to, nor I am I truly capable of, being strong in my own right. I want to look to the women of the bible as my role models . . . Ruth, Esther, Mary, Deborah, Abigail, Dorcas, Jochebed, Rahab . . . perfectly, imperfect . . . yet willing to stand and serve God when called upon.

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

In a world and a culture, that doesn’t see the value of being a wife and a mother . . . that doesn’t realize that there is so much beauty in who God created us to be as women . . . that believes that to dedicate your life to caring for your family is settling for less than . . . I want to emulate the Proverbs 31 wife and mother. I want bring my husband good and not harm. I want to be hard working and wise and a servant to my family, but above all, I want to fear the Lord. I say basically this same thing every year on this day, but with each passing year I find these words from Proverbs even more impactful and true. This is what and who I want to be, not only today but every day. I pray that among all the things that will mark my life here on this earth, the greatest will be that I am a woman who fears the Lord. That in all my weaknesses, His power is made perfect, and that more than anything else, my life will point to my Savior and bring glory to Him.

The Virtuous Wife

An excellent wife, who can find her?

For her worth is far above jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in
her,

And he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good and not evil

All the days of her life.

She looks for wool and linen,

And works with her hands in
delight.

She is like merchant ships;

She brings her food from afar.

And she rises while it is still night

And gives food to her household,

And portions to her attendants.

She considers a field and buys it;

From her earnings she plants a
vineyard.

She surrounds her waist with strength

And makes her arms strong.

She senses that her profit is good;

Her lamp does not go out at night.

She stretches out her hands to
the distaff,

And her hands grasp the spindle.

She extends her hand to the poor,

And she stretches out her hands to
the needy.

She is not afraid of the snow for
her household,

For all her household are
clothed with scarlet.

She makes coverings for herself;

Her clothing is fine linen and
purple.

Her husband is known in the gates,

When he sits among the elders of
the land.

She makes linen garments and
sells them,

And supplies belts to
the tradesmen.

Strength and dignity are her clothing,

And she smiles at the future.

She opens her mouth in wisdom,

And the teaching of kindness is on
her tongue.

She watches over the activities of
her household,

And does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children rise up and
bless her;

Her husband also, and he
praises her, saying:

“Many daughters have done nobly,

But you excel them all.”

Charm is deceitful and beauty is
vain,

But a woman who fears the
LORD, she shall be praised.

Give her the product of her hands,

And let her works praise her in the
gates.

Proverbs 31:10-31

 

I was reading the book of Amos (Chapter 4) this morning . . . a book that documents the absolute refusal of Israel to repent regardless of cost or consequence. And I couldn’t help but once again, see the parallels between Israel and the current state of our own nation. Gross unrepentance by so many. Refusal to turn to God no matter what. Insistence on plowing forward headlong into hedonism and self-serving even to the point of destruction.

As I was reading and praying, I realized, that yes, our nation needs to turn back to God, and we’ve seen movements . . . revivals . . . recently, within colleges and universities here in the United States and in various places around the world, that bring me such great hope. I believe so deeply that this next generation is being set up to reach the world for Christ like never before. But the absolute truth is, it doesn’t start at that level. It doesn’t start big and get smaller. It starts small and grows exponentially from there. It starts with a tiny seed. It starts in each individual heart, and then in each individual home and family. It’s why I believe so fervently in the institution of family and God ordained, biblical marriage. It’s why I believe in the biblical outline and authority set up by God, for marriage . . . between one man and one woman, who are absolutely equal in God’s eyes, but also, with the husband as the head of the marriage and the house, leading the family with sacrificial love.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:22-31

These scriptures and this line of thinking are not wildly popular, even amongst Christians. And to some extent that’s on Christians because for years, we’ve only gotten it partly right. We’ve hit some of the points, but rarely do we hit them all. These verses have been twisted and abused by men and women to get their own way. They’ve been taken piecemeal and used to manipulate and control, but that was never what God intended. Having said that, the devil has had a heyday with attacking what God intended to be holy and sacred in our marriages and families, and we’ve let him. Sometimes we even jump on board. I could write a book about this topic, and entire books have been written, but I’ll just say, if you’re married, this is the rulebook you should be following, in its entirety, if you want a Godly, thriving, biblical marriage. God never gets anything wrong. Period. And I’ll go further and say, I believe this is where the repentance and transformation begin. Not in a big auditorium or stadium with thousands of people . . . not in our churches on Sunday mornings . . . not in our bible studies and small groups on weeknights . . . we want and need to see transformation and repentance in all those places, but it starts at home. It’s why I believe the restoration of biblical marriage and the family unit are so important. It starts in our families . . . in each individual heart . . . in our marriages and in our family units and extending outward. Because that’s where change and transformation start. That’s where repentance begins.

And to take it one step further, if we are parents, we have not only a huge responsibility, but the great privilege, of raising our children to love and serve and know God. It’s not that we’re perfect . . . far from it, and thankfully, there is grace and forgiveness and redemption for all our mess ups and mistakes and sins at the foot of the cross . . . but we have a responsibility placed on us by God to raise our children in a Godly home. To guide and lead and teach them the things of God, the love of God, and yes, the statutes and commands of God. Ultimately, we can’t choose to follow God for them. As teenagers and young adults, they are going to have to choose which path to follow, but we need to be doing everything we can, taking advantage of as many opportunities as possible, to set them up for success. And as parents we have to walk the walk . . . we can’t depend on everyone else to raise our children in the things of God for us . . . we have live out what it looks like to serve and follow Christ . . . not just on Sunday morning but daily.

Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way they should go. The way they should go . . . not the way we wish they’d go . . . not living vicariously through our children . . . not in giving them everything they want and we wish we’d had as a child . . . but in asking God how to teach and lead and guide them in the way they should go. This takes courage, boldness, and wisdom from the Holy Spirit. It takes standing your ground at times even when they may be angry with you. It takes leading not just with words but by example. It means apologizing and seeking forgiveness when you get it wrong . . . and yes, God knows, I often get it wrong.

Back to Amos 4 . . . I don’t have all the answers, but I truly believe that if we want to see a nation and a world reached for Christ rather than a people who repeatedly choose to live unrepentant come what may . . . if we want true, deep, lasting transformation . . . if we want revival that leads to repentance and salvation of the lost . . . then we have to start in our homes and with our families . . . with our marriages and with our children. It doesn’t have to be super spiritual. I’m not saying you need to have hours long prayer services every day in your homes. I am saying, put up the phones, put away the devices, connect with your kids, play games, talk about life and God and all the things, drag them out of their bedrooms (not literally . . . and it won’t kill them), engage with them, let them see you reading God’s word, pray with them and for them, ask their forgiveness when you mess up, and when appropriate (not everything needs to be shared with your children), let them see your struggles . . . believe me, my family is well aware of how imperfect I am, and I’m certainly not saying to be holier than thou, fake, and pretend to have all together all the time. Kids can smell insincere and fake a million miles away. Be real, and as we’ve been saying in Christian circles for decades, let them see you not only talk the talk, but walk the walk. Because you can send them to every Sunday School class, every church camp and retreat, every youth service, and never miss anything anytime the church doors are open, but if you’re not living it, in a very real way in front of them, in your home, they will know. And believe me, they will take note. We have to walk out our salvation, day by day, humbly trusting the Holy Spirit to lead us, guide us, fill us, and change us, and subsequently, our families, our communities, our world will see the effects and reap the benefits of that.

And if it seems evil to you to serve the LORD, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD. Joshua 24:15