I have two children. One who is 16, a bit of a hot mess when it comes to organization, but also, an incredibly driven hard worker and high achiever. He’s academically gifted, and it seems, also athletically inclined especially in mid distance track. My youngest is 10. She has special needs, and she has a magnificent gift and ear for music. She’s active and smart and funny and a complete free spirit.
Some people would say I’m too hard on my kids.
Some would say I just have high expectations.
Here’s what I say . . . I’m not easy on my children, and I do have high expectations. The expectations I have for them are not identical. They are unique to their age, maturity, personalities, gifts, and talents, but they are there none-the-less.
AND in spite of needs, I refuse to enable my children. That doesn’t mean I don’t help and advocate if and when it’s necessary, but it’s rare (read: never) that I step in and save them from something they did or did not earn. Because at the end of the day, as I’ve said 1000 times before, my goal is to raise two people that are as responsible and as independent as they are capable of being.
So I put a lot back on them. And sometimes, I let them fail. I let them sit on the bench, both proverbially and literally even if it pains me. It teaches a lesson they will never learn if I’m constantly stepping in to rescue them and make sure they get their way.
You want to play more? You want more time on the court or the field? You want to advance in your sport of choice? Then it’s up to you. Put in the work. And then put in more work. Mom and Dad aren’t running to your rescue.
You want the reward the entire class is getting? You want recess and field trips and to participate in all the fun things? Listen to your teacher. Show self-control with your words and your actions.
You want to attend the college of your choice? Study. Turn in your assignments on time. And then study more.
You forgot your important paper? Your project? Your lunch? You’re going to have to take the hit, eat in the cafeteria (no one is starving here), and suffer the consequences.
You want devices? A car? More freedom? A driver’s license? Show yourself responsible enough to handle it . . . all of it.
The list goes on, but the point is, I see too many parents stepping in where they shouldn’t. Managing their teenagers’ and elementary children’s (to a somewhat lesser extent) lives as if they’re five. Running to teachers and coaches to try to save them. Not only does it not teach our kids to take responsibility for themselves, but in the end it is demoralizing.
Demoralizing – to deprive of courage or confidence 1
When we constantly step in where we shouldn’t, we are literally stealing from our children the chance to become more courageous and confident.
We give our children the tools to succeed. We don’t rob them of that, but then we have to step back so they can decide to use those tools. Sometimes, we have to let them figure it out on their own. Let them learn the hard lessons. Let them fail. It builds confidence, courage, and character . . . and that is when, win or lose, play or sit the bench, we see true, lifelong success.
Courtney's Contemplations . . . 