April 28th . . . did anyone else look up this morning and wonder how we’re already at the end of April? How we’re four months into the “new” year, and rapidly approaching the end of another school year?
April has been the most insane month. For some reason, I thought it was a good idea to schedule all the appointments ever in April, and May is shaping up to be only slightly less crazy. Have I written all of this before? Probably. Life is so incredibly busy right now. With two kiddos in two different schools in two different towns, I feel like I constantly have somewhere to be . . . someone to drop off or pick up . . . a meeting . . . an activity . . . an appointment or sporting event . . . you get the point.
Yes, I’m pretty certain I’ve written about this before. But here’s the thing, my introverted self doesn’t do well with all the busy. It sucks me totally dry emotionally. You know how your phone battery doesn’t stay charged very well or for very long when you have all the apps open, the flashlight on, and you’re running videos? That’s my brain with all the things going on right now. And when that happens, I tend to keep pushing until I almost lose it . . . or actually lose it . . . and that’s nothing anyone wants to see.
Way back at the end of 2021, I wrote about my word for 2022 being grace. And in all the chaos of life, I’ve lost sight of that. Because when I don’t give myself margin to recharge . . . when I don’t take the time to sit in the silence . . . to really pray . . . to just be and not do all the things. I don’t have the grace I need for myself or for others. I went for a long run this morning, because that is one of the main ways I recharge (I know it’s weird), and it occurred to me that in order to live the way I want to live . . . to give the way I want and need to give . . . to be what and who I want and need to be for God, for myself, for my family and friends . . . I need grace but I also need to be vulnerable.
So there it is, word number two for 2022, vulnerability. I’m not talking about fake vulnerability where we vomit all our emotions and sins and problems all over everyone we see both in real life and on social media all in the name of “authenticity”. I’m not talking about drama for days. I’m talking about having an open heart, a willingness to share both our triumphs and our trials, in meaningful and honest ways with those around us. I’m talking about admitting I can’t do it all or be it all . . . and ugh . . . I’m not perfect . . . I’m not the perfect wife or mom or Christian . . . I hate that so much . . . being imperfect, but yeah, Jesus is the only human that has every been able to claim that title. Hence the fact, that I need my gracious Savior. I’m talking my ongoing struggle with saying “no” because, surprise, I can be a people pleaser . . . who would’ve thought it? I’m talking about also being discretely honest, not gossipy, because ain’t nobody got time for gossip, when it comes to the “why” behind some of the boundaries I’ve set up and decisions I make. And lastly, or at least lastly for this post, I’m talking about being a whole lot more open emotionally. Emotions are dumb . . . I like even keeled all the time . . . extremes aren’t my thing . . . but, while I know as a follower of Christ, I am not to be ruled by extreme emotions, I have also come to the realization that not allowing yourself to feel what you feel, to express what you feel, is just another form of being ruled by emotion.
So here we are, at the end of a CRAZY April heading into an equally CRAZY May. And look at that, we’re still learning and seeking and changing. Here’s to a whole lot more grace accepted and extended in the months to come coupled with a side of vulnerability, and hopefully, here’s to a much quieter summer.
Courtney's Contemplations . . . 